I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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