Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize