Please, let me fuck your mom
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
