All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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