Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize