Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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