Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
