Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize