one might say we're banned from that church
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
