I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
