dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
