I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
