Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
