I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
