Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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