Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
