Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
