YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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