dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
