I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
pop tarts are not kleenex
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
