watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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