he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
