How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
