I just threw up on my dentist
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
