just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
