I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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