I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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