he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
