I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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