Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
