he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
