I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You have to summon your inner elephant
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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