My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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