he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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