i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
