smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
