I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
