My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
