I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize