It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
