party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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