I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
