I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
