the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
