i already hear my dad disowning me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
