I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
