i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
