You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
