Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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