Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
