so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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