I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Every concussion has its silver lining
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
