I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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