Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Randomize
