smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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