my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize