I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
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