I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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