Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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