Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
