and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
