Pants 0. Shit 1.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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