if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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