it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
