all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
