I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize