You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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